Resident Evil: Retribution

Resident Evil: Retribution

4 out of 10

Less truly is more with the Resident Evil franchise, it’s fifth installment, Retribution, featuring the thinnest plot yet but somehow still managing to top its predecessors solely thanks to further improved visuals. A true “video game movie” at heart, Resident Evil: Retribution is nothing more than Alice fighting her way through various environments and set pieces, every action sequence just barely propelling the “plot” forward. There are no major developments in the fight against Umbrella, mostly just white rooms, wire tricks, and female objectification. Despite the film’s infuriating emptiness, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy some of the hyper-stylized action sequences or the polished environments. Nevertheless, I can really only recommend this to 11-year-old boys because if I had seen this movie at that age, I am ashamed to say I would think it “so frickin’ awesome”. If you’re not an 11-year-old boy, you have my permission to skip it.

Resident Evil: Afterlife

Resident Evil: Afterlife

3 out of 10

I feel as if this almost goes without saying but Resident Evil: Afterlife makes absolutely zero earthly sense. The film often fades to black for no reason other than to facilitate a random time jump and the characters remain as bafflingly uninteresting as ever. That being said, the vast improvement of Afterlife's visuals make this the most tolerable installment yet.

Resident Evil: Extinction

Resident Evil: Extinction

1 out of 10

Once again lacking any sort of internal logic or story structure, Resident Evil: Extinction is as incoherent as it is bland. At this, the third installment, I find myself growing weary of the wooden performances, inane plot developments, and unexciting carnage that appear to be make up the very fabric of the Resident Evil franchise. 

Resident Evil: Apocalypse

Resident Evil: Apocalypse

1.5 out of 10

Although it manages to be less visually repulsive than its predecessor, Resident Evil: Apocalypse features nonstop bland violence and a razor thin script that's sure to baffle any sentient lifeforms who make the mistake of viewing this movie.

Resident Evil

Resident Evil

2.5 out of 10

Resident Evil is an ugly, bland film that lacks any sense of internal logic but if you accept this CGI monstrosity of a film for what it is, it's still kinda fun.

The Boss Baby

The Boss Baby

9.5 out of 10

Every once in a while, a film is released that is unlike anything that has preceded it. A film such as this often eludes immediate classification or understanding. It may be written off as crude, vulgar, nonsensical, or simply too bizarre. Films like this often develop a cult following and are applauded by small groups composed of those that understand the true meaning of the work, their minds operating on a higher cognitive plane. The Boss Baby is one such film, a cult following is developing… and I am the leader of that cult. No topic is off-limits during this boundary-pushing family fare. Sexual harassment in the workplace and parental negligence are viciously satirized. Homophobia, the incest taboo, and the prison industrial complex are all examined with a fine-toothed comb and the revelations are astounding. Add in a career-defining performance from Alec Baldwin, eye-popping 3-D, and the hilariously out-of-place “Blackbird” by The Beatles playing CONSTANTLY and you have The Boss Baby, a cinematic tour de force and the best existential horror film to ever be marketed to children. I’m taking off half of a point because I do not support the film’s stance regarding the genocide of puppies.

Moana

Moana

9.5 out of 10

Moana is a warm, visually lush film for the whole family with music that will make your heart feel as if it is flying. I’m deducting half a point because the song with the crab is stupid.